If you think that you used to get into terrible trouble at the office Christmas party, then spare a thought for Zoe Ball...
Regular readers will know that I am a teeny bit obsessed by celebrity drinkers (and ex drinkers), and may remember that back in May I wrote a post titled Celebrity Drinkers (click here).
I had a rant about celebs who (rightly) make a big song and dance about getting sober BUT then announce, to the world, that they are back to drinking in moderation!
Every time that happens it messes with the heads of hundreds of ex-drinkers.
We all start thinking "Well, if xxx can drink 'normally' after a year or two off the sauce, then so can I - hurrah! Crack open the Chablis."
One of the examples I quoted was Zoe Ball.
I'm particularly obsessed by Zoe, for several reasons:
(1) I like her
(2) She's the same age as me
(3) She's married to FatBoy Slim, whose name alone transports me back to my misspent youth and
(4) She was one of the key 'ladettes' of the early nineties who convinced legions of us that we could, and should, drink and party like the boys.
Well, on New Year's day 2009, after a night of 'total carnage', Zoe Ball quit boozing, with the help of a therapist who she saw daily to help her through detox.
She said 'I sat sobbing, knowing that if I didn't stop I'd be destroyed. I'd end up in a mental home.' Zoe's one of our tribe, you see.
Two months later, hubby Norman Cook (FatBoy's real name) went into residential rehab, and since then their once shaky (now very sober) marriage has gone from strength to strength.
Then, shock horror, just over a year ago Zoe announced that she had started drinking again in moderation.
Back then she said: 'Norm doesn't drink at all, but I have the odd one. To be honest, I can't handle the hangovers - I'm an all-or-nothing person. But I know that about myself, which is the key to stopping. Now I think 'moderation in everything.'
We're all 'all-or-nothing' people too, Zoe, that's why we can't drink!
But, needless to say, as soon as I read this the Wine Witch started cackling gleefully "See! See! And she was way worse than you! Go for it! Pour a large one!"
Subsequently, I've read a few articles where Zoe has talked about 'only having one cocktail' when she goes out, 'only drinking once a month,' or similar.
We all know those rules we set ourselves, don't we? And how quickly we break them.
Now, I like to think that I'm a nice person. Kind. Forgiving. Which is why I'm a little ashamed to admit that I was a teensy bit pleased to read about Zoe's antics after the It Takes Two wrap party a few days ago....
Zoe, it appears, got plastered, and snogged a publicity hungry boyband singer half her age in a nightclub in Soho.
Oops. Not a great display of 'moderation in everything.'
I love you, Zoe, so please, for your sake, and for Norm and the kids, quit the booze again.
And, while you're at it, do us all a favour and tell the world that if you are an addict, an all-or-nothing type, then moderation really isn't going to work.
So, my friends, if you're - like me - finding the idea of a sober Christmas and New Year difficult, and you're thinking maybe I could just have the one....
.....then remember Zoe Ball and crack open a(n alcohol free) Becks Blue instead.
Moderation: it's not possible, and it's not worth it. (Repeat, ad infinitum)
Big hugs to all of you, and to Zoe and Fatboy,
P.S. If you find this post, Zoe, mail me on email@example.com and I'll pop round with a thermos of hot chocolate.